Life transitions: why good changes can still feel awful

A promotion, a move, a new baby, children leaving home. People are often surprised that a change they chose can bring so much grief.

Some of the hardest months people describe to me come straight after something they wanted. A long-hoped-for move to a new city. A first baby. Retirement after thirty years. From the outside, everything has gone right, which can make it harder to admit that it feels wrong.

Every transition is also an ending. Even a welcome change asks us to let go of routines, roles and versions of ourselves that held us together, often without noticing how much.

The middle stretch

Psychologists sometimes describe transitions in three parts: an ending, a neutral zone, and a new beginning. The neutral zone is the uncomfortable middle, when the old life has gone and the new one does not yet feel like yours. People tend to want to rush through it. I find it is where most of the useful reflection happens.

In sessions we often map what has been lost alongside what has been gained. Naming the losses does not undo the choice. It simply makes room for the mixed feelings that were there all along.

Small anchors

Keep one or two routines from the old chapter on purpose: the Saturday call with a friend, the morning walk, the same mug. Anchors like these give the nervous system something familiar while everything else is changing. Then give the new chapter a little time before deciding whether it was a mistake. Six months is a fairer test than six weeks.